Her Supreme Highness of Eternal Whackness: Czarina Elizabeth Hasselbeck, Emeritus

Where does one begin with this woman?! Elizabeth Hasselbeck is so eternally whack that she deserves to have the word emeritus attached to her name every time it appears in print. I was going to crown her this week’s Empress of Whackness, but she’s whack every week so the original title just didn’t seem adequate.

Czarina Hasselbeck isn’t wiggidy-whack just because she’s a conservative. She’s whack because she’s an unapologetic idiot, plain and simple. How is she an idiot, you ask? Let’s count the ways! :

1. She regularly sights facts and stats that have been proven false on national television ('cuz, like, nobody reads or cares, so why not make stuff up?)
2. She’s an avid supporter of the Divine Ruler of All Fools, Sarah Palin, Emeritus ('cuz, like, she's hot and totally popular!)
3. She insulted then-presidential candidate, John Kerry for knowing how to speak French fluently ('cuz, like, only losers and commy elitists speak French! Real Americans speak Americanese)
4. She insulted Michelle Obama for advising her not to put her nosey behind in her and/or her children’s business ('cuz, like, who does she thinks she is- the First Lady?! Oh, right, oops.)

5. She's friends with fellow know-nothing View co-host, Sherri Shepherd. Really. (cuz, like, I need at least one Black friend)
6. She’s a former reality show contestant ('cuz like, everybody loves me- I'm totally hot and popular!!)

Need we say more? Of course we do! If those examples were not enough to convince you, let’s take a look at the entire 2008 election cycle. Hasselbeck’s maddening political commentary was enough to make most progressive thinking people walk around daily with a barf bag. Not to mention her palpable hostility toward Joy Behar’s liberal points of view made everyone think that there would be a sequel to the O’Donnell/Hasselbeck split screen beat-down from a few years back. Every time one thinks Hasselbeck will turn the corner on her vapid insufferability, she throws the North Americans a curve ball and brings her whackness to new heights.

All hail! Like, totally.