My Dentist Is A Two-Bit Hustler!!!!

So I went for my first dental appointment with my new dentist this afternoon. My old dentist, a family friend, is now retired so I had to take my mouth elsewhere. I can't say that I'm the biggest fan of the 'Mouth Doctor', but I've never had any traumatic experiences with them, so whatevs, right? Little did I know what I was in for.

My new dentist seemed like a nice enough guy (although his assistant's personality could have definitely used a mild exfoliant). He was friendly and warm. I had a good feeling about the guy until I noticed that he kept saying under his breath, "MD 3.7 decay" after touching each tooth with one of his little weapons. Huh? What the crack is that? When the examination was done, he smiled-- a smile that I now believe was sinister-- and basically told me that mouth was in worse shape than Afghanistan. His assistant was still wearing her little mask so I couldn't tell if she was laughing or not. Yes folks- I was the victim of the classic bate 'n' fake.

How could this be? Okay, okay, sure I hadn't been to the dentist in a really long time (waaaay too long), but my teeth look okay so I was definitely in a state of total and utter shock. When he mentioned that I would need a deep gum therapy (apparently gums need to be sent to the spa on occasion for Prozac, microdermabrasion and a seaweed wrap) and possibly braces, I started to wonder-- is my dentist a two-bit hustler? Do I really need these things or is the entire dental industry the equivalent of a guy selling fake Louis Vuitton bags on Orfus Rd.?

If I go back to the dentist and he starts pulling random teeth and asking me "Is it safe?", I'm calling the police.