Michael Jackson- Part Two: The Music

The Jackson 5/The Jacksons, 1969-1989: My mother was the one who introduced me to The Jackson 5 at a very young age. I was born ten years after the Jackson 5 signed to Motown, so I definitely missed out on their hey day. The Jackson 5 were one of the most successful boy bands of all time. Their crazy psychadelic bell bottom suits and adorable afros were all the rage in the 1970's. They even had the Osmonds copying them (Donny Osmond was clearly the Michael Jackson of the Osmond Brothers)! Even with all of the nostalgia, none of their music seems dated. The first songs I remember dancing to were 'ABC' and 'I Want You Back'. Completely infectious, bright and joyful 'bubble gum soul' tunes that can even get the most morose and gloom-filled person to tap their foot. Michael's soaring soprano was clearly the cornerstone of every hit. It was a can't loose combo. 'I'll Be There' is probably their most famous ballad, but it's not my favourite. I later discovered a beautiful ballad, released in 1972 entitled 'Got to be There' that was actually promoted as a Michael Jackson solo single (even though all the brothers sang on the track). Michael's delivery of the song is simply stunning. In my opinion that song should have been a much bigger hit.

In 1975 the Jackson brothers left Motown for greener pastures at Epic Records. This was where fans were beginning to be introduced to Michael Jackson's skills as a serious songwriter. Many outside of the R&B world are unfamiliar with the brothers' hits from this era. Their most popular song at that time would have been the disco hit, 'Shake Your Body (Down to the Ground)'. The song was the kind of disco cheese most people never admit to liking, but dance to in the privacy of their bedroom. The song is definitely not sensational on its face, but when you factor in how old Michael was when he wrote it (18 years old), you begin to realize how truly clever he was.

Biggest Hits: I Want You Back, ABC, The Love You Save, I'll Be There, Never Can Say Goodbye, Ben, Blame It On The Boogie
Most Underrated Track(s): Got to be There, With A Child's Heart, Maybe Tomorrow, Looking Through the Windows, This Place Hotel, Things I Do For You, 2300 Jackson Street
Most Overrated Track(s): I'll Be There
Cheesiest/Corniest Track(s): Blame It On the Boogie, Shake Your Body (Down to the Ground), Can You Feel It (just watch the video and you'll see what I mean)

Off the Wall, 1979: This album is considered by many to be the foreshadowing of Michael Jackson's superstardom. It also marked the beginning of one of the most successful partnerships in music history- Michael Jackson and Quincy Jones, who produced the album. I really only got to know this album in its entirety recently. I was already familiar with 'Don't Stop 'Til You Get Enough', which I believe is one of the best dance songs ever written, and Rock With You another brilliant track. Off the Wall is a genius dance album in every sense of the word! It's fresh and current, totally complete and masterfully produced. You can spin this album at any party and still get a crowd moving, 30 years after its original release. Michael was only 21 years old when this album was released and he wrote 3 of the 10 tracks (including its biggest hit, 'Dont Stop...'). It's one of those precious few albums where almost every track is totally enjoyable. Its only flaw is 'Girlfriend' written by Paul McCartney, which is the worst track on the album and probably shouldn't have made the cut. Complete and utter syrupy, mindless pop.

All in all, Off the Wall is one of my favourite albums of all time. Just sit back, listen, then groove and dance!

Biggest Hit(s): Don't Stop 'Til You Get Enough, Rock With You
Most Underrated Track(s): Get On the Floor, Off the Wall, I Can't Help It
Cheesiest/Corniest Track(s): Girlfriend, She's Out of My Life (MJ cries at the end of the song, need I say more?)

Thriller, 1982: What can one say about this monster of an album? Yes, it is the best selling album of all time. Yes, it spawned 7 top ten hits. Yes, it earned Michael Jackson 8 Grammy Awards. But what made it so special? Why do people still marvel at this album 27 years later? The reason is simple: the music was exceptional. Thriller was simply a masterpiece. With beautifully crafted ballads like 'Human Nature'- one of Michael's best songs- and great dance pieces like 'Wanna Be Starting Something' and 'P.Y.T.', Thriller made Michael Jackson a force to be reckoned with. Jackson wrote three tracks ('Wanna Be Startin' Something', 'Beat It', 'Billie Jean') and co-produced the entire album with Quincy Jones. He was 24 years old.

Thriller, I believe, set the standard for all pop albums that followed it. It demonstrated to the listener that an entire album- every single track- can and should be hit-worthy. It showed the artist that serious musicianship and originality can indeed be successfully partnered with commercial viability. It's only hiccup is 'The Girl Is Mine' another Paul McCartney snoozer that shouldn't have seen the light of day. 'Billie Jean', however, is pure pop music perfection.

Biggest Hit(s): Billie Jean, Beat It, Thriller

Most Underrate Track(s): Wanna Be Startin' Something, Baby Be Mine, Human Nature

Cheesiest/Corniest Track(s): The Girl Is Mine (I really hate that song!)

Bad, 1987: I have mixed feelings about this album. I love it and I hate it. It is without a doubt an excellent album by most standards, but not necessarily by Michael Jackson standards. It spawned an unprecedented 5 number one hits, probably because of the success of the Thriller album, the music videos and the colossal promotion of the album and tour. I sort of think that Michael lost his edge with this album and tried to reclaim it by announcing to everyone that he's bad. ROTFL!!! There are few problems with this concept. First of all, no one actually believed that Jackson was "bad" and if he was, why would he need to proclaim it? Secondly, no one tells people they're "bad" and then goes on to produce an unabashedly commercial pop album. It just seemed a hot mess. Anyway, Bad is the only Michael Jackson album that I'm ambivalent about, yet it has some of my all time favourite Michael Jackson singles. My favourite uptempo tracks are the ones no one cared about, 'Another Part of Me', 'Just Good Friends', 'Leave Me Alone'. One of the best ballads Michael Jackson has ever performed is the classic 'Man in the Mirror' (ironically one of only two tracks on the album that Michael didn't write). It's one of those songs that always makes me want to get up and change to world.... then the song ends, I sigh and I skip to 'Smooth Criminal'.

Biggest Hit(s): I Just Can't Stop Loving You, Bad, The Way You Make Me Feel, Man in the Mirror, Dirty Diana

Most Underrated Track(s): Liberian Girl, Just Good Friends, Another Part of Me, Leave Me Alone, Fly Away (a song that was not released on the original Bad album, but released in the special edition. A brilliant track that should have been included on the album)

Most Overrated Track(s): Bad

Cheesiest/Corniest Track(s): Bad (did anyone actually buy the concept of MJ taking on a bunch of Brooklyn street-toughs while costumed in tight, sado-masichistic gear? While performing Bob Fosse-esque choreography? And wearing eye-liner? Didn't think so.)

Dangerous, 1991: Dangerous is a great album. Not a perfect album, but a really, really good one. Certainly a lot better than Bad. This album was Michael's first adult solo album without Quincy Jones. He decided to use R&B genius producer Teddy Riley instead. The collaboration worked. I think this is the album Bad should have been. Sure, it didn't have as many number ones as Bad, but it sold faster and had an edgier, urban sound. His best tracks are definitely the ones produced by Teddy Riley (i.e. 'Jam', 'In the Closet', 'Remember the Time', 'Dangerous') who used his New Jack Swing stylings to give Jackson a new sound. Some other uptempo stand outs are 'Can't Let Her Get Away' and 'Who Is It'. Michael also has some wonderful pop ballads on this album such as the gospel-tinged, 'Will You Be There' and 'Keep the Faith'. 'Gone Too Soon' is another one of Michael's most beautiful ballads. The song was written in honour of his friend Ryan White who died of AIDS the previous year (ironically it would be sung at Michael Jackson's own funeral 18 years later). His vocal delivery is so smooth, ethereal and pure that you almost forget you're listening to the same album. The lyrics are very touching. The worst track on the album, by far, is 'Heal the World'. The kind of tune that would normally be accompanied by images of starving African children eating gruel in a World Vision ad.

Biggest Hit(s): Black or White, Remember the Time, In the Closet, Heal the World , Will You Be There

Most Underrated Track(s): Jam, Can't Let Her Get Away, Who Is It, Gone Too Soon, Dangerous

Most Overrated Track(s): Heal the World, Black or White

Cheesiest/Corniest Track(s): Heal the World, Black or White (love the video and the guitar solo, hate the corny rap)

HIStory, 1995: Michael's worst album. Really. It had the most ostentatious promotion and the worst results. I knew things were dodgy when the TV ad came out- you know, the one with fans falling and fainting at the feet of Michael's statue.... yeah, that one. This album seems all over the place to me. Incomplete and slapped together- not the typical well thought out and maticulously excuted production we were used to hearing from Jackson. His heart didn't seem in it. That being said, there are some decent records on the album. 'They Don't Really Care About Us', 'Scream', 'Money' and '2 Bad' are all strong songs. 'Stranger in Moscow' is probably the most underrated song of Michael Jackson entire career. The first time I'd heard of the song was two months ago when I saw the music video by chance. It's a gorgeous ballad. Beautifully sung with a mixture of sadness and anguish. Lyrically it is one of the best songs he has ever written. The song's instrumentation is sparse, but perfect.

Biggest Hit(s): You Are Not Alone, Scream

Most Underrated Track(s): Stranger in Moscow (Michael's best ballad), They Don't Really Care About Us

Most Overrated Track(s): You Are Not Alone, Earth Song

Cheesiest/Corniest Track(s): You Are Not Alone (the video depicting a half-naked MJ and his then-wife Lisa Marie Presley turned me off the song and enduced nausea), Earth Song (MJ went from asking us to save the children to telling us to save the trees. I'm pretty sure Neverland Ranch was not environmentally friendly. This song was massively popular in Europe, cementing its cheesy/corny credentials and thus, proving my point)

Invicible, 2001: Invicible did not get the props it deserved for various reasons. The album was not Michael's best work (1991 was last time Michael gave his fans his typical 150%- it appears he working at the 110% level by 2001), but it was far from his worst (see HIStory). Michael was in a very contentious battle with Sony Records and refusing to tour. Sony wasn't willing to release certain singles. The album and the artist got some very bad press. Anyway, Invincible was definitely a full-on R&B album with some very nice beats courtesy of wunderkind producer Rodney Jerkins. His best tracks were the R&B ballads, 'Butterflies', 'Cry', 'You Are My Life' (an ode to his children) & 'Heaven Can Wait'. Good uptempo tracks are: 'Heartbreaker', 'Invincible' and of course, 'You Rock My World'.

Biggest Hit(s): You Rock My World, Cry

Most Underrated Track(s): Butterflies, You Are My Life

Cheesiest/Corniest Track(s): Privacy

Michael Jackson's catalogue of music is prolific. A gifted vocalist, talented songwriter and innovative producer. MJ's music is guaranteed to last a lifetime. I hope that in death his body of work will get the respect it deserves.

Michael Jackson- Part One: The Entertainer

Michael Jackson was buried on Thursday, 70 days after his untimely and, at the moment, suspicious death. I have to say that I still find it hard to believe that he is gone. It took me a long time to come up with an adequate blog posting for this one, hence my absence from the blogsphere for so many months. Because there is so much to say about The Gloved One, I’ve decided to post a part one, a part two and a part three.

First I’ll start off by saying that I would never consider myself a rabid MJ fan. I’ve never attended any of his concerts. I’ve never fainted and screamed upon the mere mention of his name. I never owned any sparkly gloves or black loafers or the notorious zipper-red-leather-Beat It jacket (my parents would have never allowed me to walk out of the house looking like a bedazzled member of Napoleon Army, and a Jheri curl was definitely out of the question). I didn’t tape all of his television appearances (I will admit to attempting the Moonwalk at recess at elementary school with unsuccessful results). However, I am an admirer of Michael Jackson’s creative genius and impact on pop culture. Many over the past couple of months have pontificated on whether or not Michael Jackson was one of the best. I’m not quite sure where the argument is coming from because the facts are clear: Michael Jackson’s impact on popular music was probably the greatest of any entertainer who ever set foot on a stage. Case closed. Here are the reasons why:

Sheer musical ability: After scouring You Tube and watching countless videos of a young Michael Jackson singing Who’s Loving You, Never Can Say Goodbye, ABC, etc., it is easy to see that Michael was musically gifted. He sang each song with ease and soul- something that cannot be taught. Technically speaking Jackson was in that category of vocalist that many aspire to, but very few actually reach. He had a beautifully controlled vibrato, a pitch perfect falsetto and a roof-blasting, powerhouse mid-range. He also had the ability to control and change his vocal tone to suit the emotion of each song- switching from a soaring ballad to a searing dance track effortlessly- whilst always maintaining his own distinctive vocal phrasing and styling.

In later years when Michael began writing his own music people started to realize that he wasn’t just a voice- he obviously was a prolific songwriter. Few people realize that Jackson could not actually read music. He would write his songs by recording the vocals and then beatboxing the rhythm on a tape recorder. After that, he would sit down in a studio and add keyboard (playing by ear) and drum tracks to the demo. Many of his musicians said that they would have difficulty reproducing the rhythm tracks that he had beatboxed because they were so complex and intricate! Generally, the artists that Michael Jackson has been compared to, such as Elvis Presley, never wrote a note of music in their life, which is why I find it so puzzling that people would count Elvis as a better all-round entertainer. In fact, Michael co-produced and wrote half the songs on the iconic Thriller album all at the tender age of 23, and for Off the Wall at 19! The mere fact that many of Michael’s songs are classics today is a testament to Michael’s gift for understanding his audience and his brilliance as pop songwriter.

A Master-class Dancer: Nobody moved like Michael. Nobody. Believe me, many, including myself, have tried and failed. Fred Astaire himself called Michael Jackson after his epic performance on the Motown 25 special in 1983 and told him that he was “one hell of a mover”. Michael popularized so many dance moves (the Robot, Pop ‘n’ Lock, the Moonwalk, The Spin, the famous Smooth Criminal ‘Lean’, etc.) while making them all seem effortless (of course they weren’t). He made dancing an almost mandatory component for pop music performance. Prior to Michael I’m not sure there was anyone who danced and sang whilst performing a pop song. All of this is evident in Michael’s legendary performances (i.e. the aforementioned Motown 25 special, 1988 Grammy Awards, 1993 Superbowl half-time show, 1995 MTV Awards) because you as a viewer always knew that he was giving 150% all the time. He took risks and dared to be different. Excuse my schmaltziness, but his dancing almost made you believe in.... ‘magic’.

A Marketing/Business Mastermind: Very few people realize how brilliant Michael Jackson was at marketing. He understood that in order to stand out he had to be more than just talented- he had to be different. Most artists nowadays hire people to create images for them. Jackson himself was known for being deft at crafting his unique image. Thinking back, his propensity for sequined socks and military jackets, aviator sunglasses, poor-boy pants and black penny loafers was definitely odd, but he obviously knew something we didn't- he had everybody copying his look all over the world. He parlayed his image into endorsements for Pepsi, LA Gear, Disney, Toyota (Japan), etc. In addition to this, he realized that the music video was a tool to be used to generate record sales. Jackson crafted each music video he made into a miniature film. Let’s all be honest- does anyone remember what music videos looked like before Billie Jean? It was truly pathetic. Most music videos had the artist(s) woodenly standing on a stage with strobe lights behind them. The Billie Jean and the Thriller videos were and still are the templates on which music videos are based. His marketing prowess also played a hand in propelling MTV into prominence. It was widely known that MTV, prior to 1983, was not in the business of the playing music videos of urban (i.e. Black) artists. Michael forced their hand in changing that unwritten rule with the fresh and innovative Billie Jean video. The rest is history!

In addition to the music video, Michael Jackson changed the way the consumer viewed albums. In 1982 the record industry was going through its worst slump in history. There was a major recession and record sales were low as production costs were getting higher. Most artists pinned their album's hopes on 3, maybe 4 songs (out of a 9-10 track album) cracking the Billboard Top 40. The majority of the recording artists at the time were elated to sell 500,000 copies of an album. Many consumers would purchase singles rather than the entire album, unless they were hardcore fans of a particular artist. Michael Jackson broke the rules when he created Thriller around the concept of an album of 100% hits. No fillers- just pure pop hits. The result: seven out of the 9 tracks on Thriller became blockbuster Top 10 hits. Michael Jackson and Quincy Jones' brilliant song writing and understanding of what people wanted hear compelled millions of people to buy an entire album- and love it!

Michael Jackson's best stroke of brilliance was his purchasing of music copyrights. Jackson owns the most lucrative catalogue of songs in the music industry, Sony/ATV Music Publishing . He purchased the rights to 250 of The Beatles songs, in addition to the publishing rights for many of the recordings of Little Richard, Sharkira, Beck, Eminem, Akon, The Everly Brothers and Hank Williams, just to mention a few! This music catalogue generates over $80 million dollars a year. His own lawyer said that with the Sony/ATV catalogue in addition to owning the rights to his own songs, Michael Jackson's net worth is over $1.5 billion dollars and growing!

If you are still not convinced, consider the following:

• Michael Jackson has sold over 750 million albums worldwide over the span of his career.
  
• He has won 13 Grammy awards as a solo artist.


• He has performed for over 15 million people worldwide


• His Thriller album still holds the record for the best-selling album of all time


• He was the only entertainer who was able to write, dance, sing and choreograph with equal excellence
  

Michael Jackson- not Elvis, not Sinatra- was truly the greatest entertainer who ever lived. I rest my case.

Pet Peeve #4: Tanorexics

Tanorexia Nervosa is a mental illness similar to anorexia nervosa. Like anorexics, who feel that they are fat-- even though they usually aren't-- Tanorexics tend to feel that they are unattractive if they do not alter their skin tone/colour by: a) spending time in the sun; b) abusing self-tanning creams and sprays, or c) sleeping on tanning beds until their skin crisps like 7-day old fried bacon.

I enjoy a nice bronze skin tone. I, for one, do not think much about tanning, but I do like to see other people with a nice healthy, sunny glow to their skin. That being said, there is a fine line between looking like you just got back from vacation and appearing to have switched ethinic backgrounds overnight!

I'm not sure if this is a trend or what but I have noticed so many people-- walking around the city and gracing the cover of celeb magazines-- looking like oompa-loompas who just finished stirring Willy Wonka's chocolate river. Why would anyone think this looks attractive? Their hair is bleached blond and their skin is as orange as the filling of Grandma's sweet potato pie. Their skin is wrinkled beyond belief-- causing them to buy unlimited supplies of Oil of Olay rejuvenation creams-- and yet, they persist.

Being a Black woman, I find this obsession very comical. I'm very proud of my skin tone, but I'm very aware of some of the drawbacks of having it. Sometimes I walk into a convenience store and I'm followed. Or, the old woman walking in front of me on a residential street may quicken her step and hold her bag closer to her body once she realizes that I'm right behind her. So forgive me if I LOL when people roast themselves beyond the point of recognition and go and get their hair braided into cornrows whilst on vacation to look like a "native", but would never ever consider actually being treated like one.

American Idol- We Have A Winner... Huh?!!!!

Okay, okay, I haven't been very good about keeping y'all up to date on my views about American Idol. But that was because I was totally certain that Adam "Eddie Munster" Lambert was a shoo-in as the winner. Guess who won? Kris "College Campus Warbler" Allen, that's who!!!! Boy did I NOT see that one coming!! Couple of questions for you all:

1. Do you think the show is rigged?

2. Do you think that everyone else thought Lambert was a shoo-in and didn't bother voting, hence the shocking result?

3. Do you think the show is rigged?

BTW- I think the BEST moment in the history of the show was when Tatiana "Coo Coo for Coco Puffs" Del Toro took the stage (while being chased by security) and gave an impromptu performance of Saving All My Love For You. The look on Ryan Seacrests face was priceless! All mental institutions should be put on stand by.

Dancing With the Stars- What A Joke!

Gilles Marini was totally robbed. No- scratch that. He was mugged! What a total joke of a show. Never watching it again.

If Iggy's Un-Canadian, So's Steve-o!

I've got to give it to the PC's for the new commercial they put out about Ignatieff's "otherness". It's classic, it get's straight to the point and it's funny.... but not for the right reasons.

By now I'm sure that most Canadians who read are aware that Michael Ignatieff lived outside of Canada for over 30 years prior to his foray into the Canadian political scene. He is an internationally known intellect and author and he was a professor at Harvard. This, to me, is a plus. In fact, by criticizing this the Conservatives have made themselves appear to be a carbon copy of the doofus, knuckle-dragging, monochromatic party that the US Republicans are right now- and judging from what transpired on November 4, 2008, that look hasn't been working out too well for them. Not to mention that by criticizing Ignatieff's "otherness" or "worldliness" the Conservatives are indirectly insulting the thousands of Canadian well-educated immigrants who may not have grown up in Canada, but are enthusiatically involved in their adopted homeland's political process. But this is not why I found this commercial funny.

This commercial is hilarious because the irony is so rich. By attacking Ignatieff as being a "stranger" to Canada, the Conservatives inadvertantly point to their own leader's conspicuous absence from Canada. I mean, when's was Stephen Harper last seen on Canadian soil? The last I remember seeing him was right before Obama went shopping for Beaver's Tails and key chains in Ottawa in February. He's been on CNN and the BBC smiling away, but he's given the CBC the proverbial finger since he moved into 24 Sussex. Let's face it- the man has been AWOL from Canada for last three months and everyone knows it. Well, everyone except the Conservative party. Looks like the joke's on them.

With MPs Like These Who Needs Disney?

As it turns out, the Liberals don't have to worry about the Conservatives in the next election- they need to start worrying about what kind of deviants they harbouring in their own party! The recent revelations about their rising star, Ruby Dhalla, are disturbing to say the least.

I am completely convinced that Ruby Dhalla is the human personification of every villain from a Disney motion picture or Charles Dickens novel. In fact, she does bare an uncanny and unsettling resemblance to the Queen from Snow White (and, I would assume, temperment), but let's stick to the issues. Miss Dhalla has been accused of hiring two housekeepers and underpaying as well as requiring them to do the following:

1. Shine her brothers shoes

2. Rub and massage her mother's feet

3. Give up their passports, marriage and birth certificates

4. Wash her car

5. Clean her home as well as her many chiropratic clinics

Cruella- I mean- Ruby has also demonstrated her callousness to others before. On a trip to India two young children were caught by the Indian police for attempting to steal Ms. Dhalla's purse. When it was revealed that the two children were severely beaten for the alleged crime, Ms. Dhalla's response was that the kids got what they deserved and she hoped they learned from the incident. Yeah, all this after she called for the Indian government to create more stringent laws on spousal abuse.

Sweet move, Ruby D, sweet move.

Um.....? Moment: When The President Does It, It's Not Illegal!

Uh, this is one you'll have to see to believe. Former Secretary of State under the Bush Administration, Condoleeza Rice at a Q & A this week at Stanford University was grilled by students on the subject of waterboarding. Her answer is just as shocking as the torture methods themselves. She basically concludes that since the President authorized it, it was perfectly legal. Sound familiar? Yeah, that's because impeached President Richard "Tricky Dick" Nixon said the same thing when he was asked about the Watergate scandal in the 1970's. Hmmm... I didn't realize that the US was under a dictatorship for 8 years...

Watch Condi try to rationalize her psychotic decision making under President Bushie:


Watch former President Nixon use the same rationale for his criminal behaviour:


Watch how President Obama describes waterboarding:


So here's the 60 million dollar question: Where on God's green earth is George W. Bush?

American Idol: Eliminations

I'm beginning to think that American Idol is rigged. How many of you really believed that Eddie Munster... er.... Adam Lampert really received the second lowest tally of votes? The AI producers must have tried to throw in a plot twist in order retain viewers. Anyway, my boy Matt is gone. I'm sure he saw that coming. Next up, Kris Allen (although I'm sure it will be Allison Iraheta)!

Places To Go Before You Die: Barcelona, Spain

I have a love/hate relationship with the city of Barcelona. I love the city itself and what it has to offer, but I'm not crazy about the people. Nevertheless, Barcelona-- affectionally known as the BCN, is somewhere you must visit before you die.

My first encounter with Barcelona was in the summer of 2003. I decided to travel there on a whim with my cousin for a few days. I thoroughly enjoyed the experience and wished that I had had the time to explore more of the city. The weather was wonderful-- 28° - 32° Celsius, sunny and dry with a beautiful Mediterranean sea breeze everyday! The famous Gaudí architecture was evident in almost every neighbourhood and the city was incredibly easy navigate-- even by Canadian standards-- and very scenic. My cousin and I (maybe me more than my cousin) had a field day shopping. I believe that Barcelona has some of the best shopping in Europe by a mile. Leather goods are very reasonable and shoes and clothing are one of a kind (this is where I began my love affair with Zara and Mango-- both stores are native to Barcelona).

There was plenty to see in Barcelona as well. As I mentioned before, Barcelona is an architect's dream. Parc Güell, La Pedrera, Casa Botlló and La Sagrada Familia are places to get your art history jollies. If you like the beach you could always go to the Barceloneta or drive a few miles to the resort town of Sitges to work on your tan. There was no shortage of concerts, plays, street theatre and movies to go to. If you're into clubbing and dancing you'd be exhausted at the variety of places to kick up a leg. And of course if you're a soccer fan, you would be in heaven watching the famed and hallowed FC Barça play the game live before your eyes!

The second time I was in Barcelona was when I was attending the Universitat Autónoma de Barcelona. It was at this time that I realized how different it is to see a city through eyes of a tourist versus the jaded eyes of a resident. While food and clothing is quite reasonable in Barcelona, real estate is not. Very few people in the BCN actually own any property because it is so expensive. A very small bachelor's apartment in Barri Gótic-- a chic, up and coming neighbourhood-- can easily run you about €900 (CDN $1440) per month. Another thing that became somewhat of a nuisance was the fact that many people in Barcelona speak Catalán and refuse to speak Castellano (standard Spanish). Catalán is a language closely related to Provençal, a dialect of old French that was spoken in Southern France, mixed with Spanish. I can't say that I was particularly crazy about the native Catalonian cuisine either. Much of it was bland and they tend to eat a lot of seafood, which I tend to avoid (octopuss anyone?). Barcelona has a bit of a gypsy problem. Barcelonians don't treat them well. You're constantly seeing restaurant and shop owners shooing them away as if they were vermin. Many of the older generation of Barcelonians are still getting used to the idea of immigrants and immigration. I noticed that anytime there was a petty crime committed or the influence of North America crept into the consumers market, it was inexplicably blamed on the immigrants-- specifically Moroccans and/or South/Central Americans.

Despite many of its pros and a few of its cons, Barcelona is a must visit city. I just wouldn't live there.

Pros:

Great weather, very scenic

Not too expensive for North American tourists

Great architecture

Great shopping

Lots of entertainment and sports appreciation

Plenty of good quality international cusine

Excellent transportation system

Cons:

High cost of living for residents

Bad local cuisine (pass on the Tapas restaurants)

Some people don't/won't speak standard Spanish

Some evidence of xenophobia

Drunk British tourists

Reminiscing: Paul Simon's Hit- You Can Call Me Al

Does anyone remember this song? I think Paul Simon's Graceland was one of the greatest pop albums of the the 80's and You Can Call Me Al was one its best songs. I still have no idea what this song is about but it's soooo fun to listen and dance to. I still remember hearing this on the radio whilst getting ready for school. Good memories, good times and Tootsie Roll Lolipops!

Here's a video of Paul Simon singing You Can Call Me Al in 1987 live in Harare, Zimbabwe. Enjoy!:

American Idol: An Overview

My tears dried and my mourning period for Anoop and Lil now over, here are my reviews of the remaining AI8 contestants:

Kris Allen: Not bad. Still not sold on him though. What was up with Cowell's commentary?

Allison Iraheta: This girl can sing! However, I don't think that this performance will be enough to keep her in the final three. She may be in trouble tonight.

Matt Giraud: Good performance, but not good enough. I had to agree with Randy and Kara on this one. He had some pitch problems and I think on stage, he's the least comfortable of the remaining contestants. I actually think it was a mistake for the judges to save Matt a couple of weeks ago. I'm almost certain Matt will be going home tonight.

Danny Gokey: Danny gave the performance of his life last night!!!! This was, hands down, my favourite performance of the evening and perhaps the best performance of the last few weeks. With this, Danny has secured his spot in the final 3. It doesn't even matter if he loses AI-- he'll definitely get a record deal.

Adam Lampert: Can't stand him, can't stand him, can't stand him! His voice is a dash of Steve Tyler, Axel Rose and Broadway showtunes-- which wouldn't be bad... if it was 1988. All Adam is missing is the big arena rock hair. Certainly not the kind of vocalist I'd invest $20 into. But what do I know? People in greasy spoon diners and generic malls all across America seem to be quite taken with the fella. He IS the 8th American Idol-- all the other contestants are just his opening act. Did I mention that I can't stand him?

BTW: Wasn't Jamie Foxx the BEST AI mentor ever?!

Hot Mess Alert!: Obsessed

This weekend I saw Obsessed starring Beyoncé Knowles and the very lovely Idris Elba. The movie was one big, royal stinker to put it mildly! I really went to see the film under duress as my brother was not particularly interested in seeing The Soloist- the movie I really wanted to see. I have to admit that I came into the film with predjudices- mainly, my disdain for Beyoncé’s thespian prowess and her penchant for implausible hair weaves- but I decided that I would sit and keep my nachos and cheese down through the 90 or so minutes.

I really hate it when filmmakers assume that their audience is dumb, and that’s how this filmmaker made me feel. This is not an attempt to sound like one of those self-righteous, artsy-fartsy windbag film goers, but there are certain things that anyone with an IQ above 75 should be able to criticize. For example (excuse the spoilers):

1. I find it very unlikely that in real life a guy like Idris Elba's character would resist the aggressive advances of Ali Larter's character. I'm not saying that there aren't any decent guys out there that would reject a woman like this. What I'm saying is had Elba's character expressed an interest in Larter, the story would have been far more plausible... and interesting.

2. Why was Beyoncé's character so jealous of her husband's administrative assistant? When she first heard that her husband had gotten a female temp, she told him to get rid of her immediately-- before even meeting her! Did her husband have a wandering eye? Had he cheated before? None of this was explained. It just made Beyoncé's character seem just as mentally unstable as her nemisis.

3. I didn't like the fact that Beyoncé's stay-at-home-mom character was perpetually bored and wanting something to do. The film went out of its way to show that her husband gave her an allowance and that she was worried about how he would feel if she went back to school. Um... is this 2009 or 1949? What kind of man under the age of 40 would have a problem with their spouse going back to school to better themselves? Later on in the film Beyoncé's character kicks her husband out of the house when she suspects him of cheating on her. "Get out of my house!!!", I believe were her exact words. Your house? You don't even pay for it. You receive an allowance!!! During this scene, my brother and a few of my friends started laughing. This scene wasn't meant to be funny. But I digress....

Anyway, I don't recommend Obsessed to anyone. Unless they love to laugh. Or they enjoy watching Idris Elba... (sigh)

Harper Shames Canada Once Again!!!!

Our Prime Minister is apparently on a rampage to prove how big a fool he truly is. Today the Canadian Supreme Court ruled that Stephen Harper should pressure the US government to have Guantanamo detainee, Omar Khadr returned to Canada. Iggy and perpetual deer-in-headlight looking Gilles Duceppe have written letters to both Barack Obama and Stephen Harper urging them to bring Khadr back to Canada. Khadr was accused of throwing a hand grenade and killing a US soldier in Afghanistan in 2002. Khadr has yet to be prosecuted for this crime. He was 15 years old at the time.

Now, whether or not one thinks Khadr is terrorist is irrelevant to the argument. Omar was a child at the time of his arrest and come to think of it there are a lot of child soldiers around the world who could be placed in the same boat as Mr. Khadr. Would we prosecute them as war criminals and detain them for years on end without charge? Probably not, but I digress... The fact is Stephen Harper has a responsibility to bring Canadian citizen back to Canada to face the justice our soil. Why would he appeal the decision made by the Canadian Supreme Court? What does he have to gain from delaying what is clearly inevitable?

I hope every Canadian citizen reading this realizes how embarassing Mr. Harper is as a head of state for this country. For the first time in my lifetime I have felt ashamed to be a Canadian. I've never considered this country a utopia, but I know that I am most fortunate to live here. The twice-elected Harper government has made me question Canadian values and the thinking of many of its citizens. I hope people realize that our current Prime Minister cares very little about Canada's image as well as what it used to represent. Yes, folks-- Harper only cares about himself and his political career and is willing to sacrifice his own country's image for his personal gain. Remember that the next time you enter an election booth.

Overrated Talent: Josh Groban

I really hate this guy. No, really-- I HATE him. I've never met him nor have I ever seen him in any interviews, but he really sticks in my craw. I just don't understand him or his appeal. I have been wondering for years now how this guy became famous. His voice is not particularly good, but for some reason people (usually grandmothers and the dreaded cat ladies) swoon with every note he sings. To me, he sounds like those guys who sang in the school choir at Kiwanis Music Festivals. He also looks like he could use a good and thorough bath-- preferably with a good 'ole bar of Irish Spring and a bottle of Dettol-- and a nice haircut.

All image issues aside, Josh Groban's music totally sucks. His sappy, pseudo-operatic ballads make me want to grit my teeth and incite violence. I am hoping that Mr. Groban retires from the music business and puts clear thinking human beings and dogs out their misery. For the love of God and all things lovely he must hang up his mic. Because if I hear You Raise Me Up one more time, I'm slitting my wrists!

Pet Peeve #3: Ostentatious Weddings

Last week a friend of mine sent me some of the most wretched photos I have ever seen. The photos were of a wedding that took place in England between a 17 year old girl and an 18 year old boy. I am not a fan of the whole teenage wedding fad, but this was not the most disturbing thing about the photo. This young lady, who I'm assuming is mentally disturbed, was wearing a crop-top-mini-skirt-crystal-bejeweled wedding gown that was so tacky, I was considering the possibility of turning her in for crimes against humanity. The article accompanying the photo stated that her father spent nearly $200,000 on his daughter's over the top wedding. This is when I felt the hot bile begin to creep into my throat.

I think weddings should be a beautiful and personal affair. I will not dictate to people what they should wear or exactly how much they should spend. However, $200,000 for a wedding between two lower middle class teenagers is NOT sane. This bride's father apparently paves driveways for a living and the family lives in a trailer. Spending this kind of money on one day is just plain disgusting and I will even go as far as to say that irresponsible behaviour like this is what contributed to the global financial crisis.

When I attend large grandiose weddings I never sit and think, "Wow! Look at all the money they spent! This couple is gonna live happily ever after!". My usually thoughts are, "They spent all this money and I didn't even get a full plate of food! What a bunch of twits!" A good wedding is measured on how much fun the invitees have-- the atmosphere, friendship, the music, the jokes-- not how much money your doled out for your craptacular bouquet. Why go into debt for one day that most people will either criticize or forget? Spend your money wisely and make it a day no one will ever forget... for a good reason!

Torture Is A Crime And Bush and His Administration Are Criminals!!!

So, the big topic of discussion south of the border is whether or not Dick Cheney et al. should be prosecuted for war crimes due their love affair with torture tactics. This story makes my blood boil! I have to admit that I am not quite sure why this is being debated. There are no grey areas. Torture is ILLEGAL. It is illegal in the United States and more importantly, it is deemed illegal acording to International Law. Why George, Dick, Rummy, Condi and the other village idiot-- Alberto "Gonzo" Gonzalez, were unwilling to recognize this, is beyond my earthly comprehension (although I'm pretty sure Lucifer and his cast of demons in hell would be able to answer my question). We were all aware that the Bush Administration was one of the most incompetent in recent memory, but with the release of these torture memos we are now certain of its deviance.

The US has always touted itself as the moral authority of the world-- a title they do not deserve, let alone any other country for that matter. They have called out other countries for crimes against humanity (i.e. China) and called for the prosecution of despot leaders (i.e. Mugabe, Al-Bashir). Why shouldn't this same appetite for justice apply to the United States of America? The US executed Japanese soldiers after World War II for committing the very same acts of torture that US senior officials are now being accused of. Why are certain politicians refusing to admit that this is the same thing? Yes, 9/11 was a horrific tragedy and those responsible for the murder of 3,000 innocent people should be brought to justice. However, this was not license to abandon all laws for the sake of revenge. The excuse has also been given that government needed to use these tactics in order acquire 'high value information'. Would this information have included the whereabouts of one Mr. Bin Laden and/or the notorious Weapons of Mass Destruction? If not, the info that was received was about as valuable as a fake Gucci bag. Sorry, we're not buying.

If Obama's Attorney General, Eric Holder is smart, he'll prosecute these gangsters. If he doesn't, the International Criminal Court in The Hague should be put on notice. The world is watching and it wants the US to be held to the same standard as everyone else.

Watch Liz Cheney (Dick's daughter--- poor thing) try and justify her father's torture tactics:

Visit msnbc.com for Breaking News, World News, and News about the Economy

American Idol: Eliminations

Oh no!!! My favourite contestants got kicked off. Unfortunately, they deserved it. Oh well-- they'll go on tour. The next possibility for elimination is either Alison Iraheta or Danny Gokey. Eddy Munster is going to take it all.

My Dentist Is A Two-Bit Hustler!!!!

So I went for my first dental appointment with my new dentist this afternoon. My old dentist, a family friend, is now retired so I had to take my mouth elsewhere. I can't say that I'm the biggest fan of the 'Mouth Doctor', but I've never had any traumatic experiences with them, so whatevs, right? Little did I know what I was in for.

My new dentist seemed like a nice enough guy (although his assistant's personality could have definitely used a mild exfoliant). He was friendly and warm. I had a good feeling about the guy until I noticed that he kept saying under his breath, "MD 3.7 decay" after touching each tooth with one of his little weapons. Huh? What the crack is that? When the examination was done, he smiled-- a smile that I now believe was sinister-- and basically told me that mouth was in worse shape than Afghanistan. His assistant was still wearing her little mask so I couldn't tell if she was laughing or not. Yes folks- I was the victim of the classic bate 'n' fake.

How could this be? Okay, okay, sure I hadn't been to the dentist in a really long time (waaaay too long), but my teeth look okay so I was definitely in a state of total and utter shock. When he mentioned that I would need a deep gum therapy (apparently gums need to be sent to the spa on occasion for Prozac, microdermabrasion and a seaweed wrap) and possibly braces, I started to wonder-- is my dentist a two-bit hustler? Do I really need these things or is the entire dental industry the equivalent of a guy selling fake Louis Vuitton bags on Orfus Rd.?

If I go back to the dentist and he starts pulling random teeth and asking me "Is it safe?", I'm calling the police.

American Idol: Elimination

Matt Giraud gets saved!!!! The judges get it right. Two will be eliminated next week. Here's hoping Eddie Munster/Axel Rose and Kris Allen have their luggage on stand by.

American Idol: An Overview

Kris Allen: Totally boring. He's like those annoying boys you would see in the hallways in high school strumming at their guitars in hopes of appearing "deep". They weren't and Kris most certainly isn't.

Anoop Desai: I really like Anoop and I think he's a very underrated as a singer. He was quite good last night, but again, he'll be in the bottom three. The US is just not ready for the Brown Brian McKnight.

Adam Lambert: Eddie Munster gets on my last nerve. Can we kick this guy off already and cast him in the Vegas revival of We Will Rock you? He's so camp people will be dressing as him next Halloween. Again, he'll probably win the show.

Matt Giraud: This is another underrated talent. I believe most of his problems stem from nerves and a lack of confidence. I think he has the potential to be just as good as Justin Timberlake (minus the dance moves) if not better. I hope America gives him a chance. They probably won't.

Lil Rounds: Lil Rounds is making me angry. This is the kind of girl who should have this competition in the bag. I have a feeling she doesn't understand herself and she is spending far too much time acquiescing to the judges every whim whilst becoming confused. Stick to your guns Lil or your gonna go home... fast!

Allison Iraheta: Love Allison, but she needs to do something with her look. Her voice is amazing, but she might be in danger.

Danny Gokey: Danny wasn't so hot last night and his performances are becoming a little detached. He may be in trouble in tonight's elimination. He'll definitely get a record deal with a gospel label even if he loses.

BTW, how many of you think Judge Kara will be back next season? I certainly don't!

Random Foolishness

I refuse to believe that this is R & B crooner Jon B.'s wife. Maybe his auntie or cousin or maybe even his geography tutor, but not his wife. Gadzooks!

Breaking News: Stephen Harper Is DR. CLAW!!!!!!

I am fully convinced that our Prime Minister is Dr. Claw. Why else would a grown man be posing in so many photographs with poor, defenceless kittens? You know what this means? Michael Ignatieff is Inspector Gadget.

American Idol: Beam Me Out Scottie!

He's outta here! But his farewell was truly sad. Oh well! Next up: Kris Allen!

This Week’s Emperor of Whackness: Italian Prime Minister Silvio Berlusconi

If you thought George Bush was a raging idiot and the embodiment of the stereotypical American, you haven’t heard of Silvio Berlusconi. Silvio is George's brother from an Italian mother. He personifies every negative stereotype North Americans have about Italian men that you can almost see the gold chain and chest hair and smell the overpowering cologne. He is such a wealth of comedic material, he alone could keep Jon Stewart, Stephen Colbert and Bill Maher in business for another 10 seasons. Here’s a list of his some of his major offenses:

1. He’s allegedly linked to the Mafia (Think of Tony Soprano running Canada. Foggedaboutit!) .
2. Called Mussolini “a benign dictator who didn’t kill his opponents- he just sent them on holiday”. Right. And Stalin was just misunderstood.
3. He held the 2005 European Food Safety Authority meeting in Italy instead of Finland because “the Finnish don’t know what prosciutto is”.
4. He told Wall Street investors to invest in Italy because Italy “has the most beautiful secretaries in the world”.
5. He claimed that “communists used to eat children” and defended this comment by explaining that “in Communist China children were boiled and their carcasses were used to fertilize fields”.
6. He stated that diplomatic relations between Russia and the US would improve with Obama as the new President of the United States because “Obama is young, tanned and handsome”.
7. He played hide-and-go-seek at an official visit with the German Chancellor, Angela Merkel. She wasn’t amused.
8. He decided to put thousands of police officers on the streets of major Italian cities to lower the crime rate. He told a journalist that “there would be enough police to avoid the risk of rape [to women]. They would need as many police officers as beautiful women because Italy has so many beautiful women”.
9. He ticks off most of his constituents on a remarkably regular basis.

There’s a lot more, but I’m pretty sure you’re having difficulty keeping your food down. Two days ago Italy suffered a devastating earthquake in the city of L’Aquila. The death toll has surpassed 250 and there are thousands who are injured. Many survivors have had to set up “tent cities” as their homes are no longer fit to live in. Prime Minister Berlusconi visited one of those tent cities and told the people to “pretend you are camping for the weekend”. Um... WHAT?! Needless to say, Mr. Berlusconi has a serious case of foot-in-mouth disease making him totally deserving of this week’s Emperor of Whackness title. All hail!

Here's video of Emperor Berlusconi behaving like a sizzling hot mess:

Just Because I Wear Dreads....

I've had my hair in dreadlocs for about a year and a half now and it has given me a window into how narrow-minded people can be. I've always secretly giggled at the misconceptions people have when they see me. Most of the people I've encountered generally have positive things to say; others have been far more ignorant. Some are just curious. Below are some of the misconceptions I face regularly:

a) I smoke weed or know where to get it. I've never smoked weed, much less a cigarette and the only drug dealer I know is my GP and Mr. Patel, the pharmacist at my local Shopper's Drug Mart.

b) I know everyone in the GTA who has dreadlokcs. "Do you know Marsha? She has hair just like yours!" No, I don't know Marsha and I'm pretty sure she has braids.

c) I'm an Earth Mother. I'm not a vegetarian, I don't have a PETA membership, I've never worn Birkenstocks and I love fashion and make-up!

d) I'm a Rastafarian. Yes I'm of Jamaican decent, but I'm the furthest thing from a Rasta. I'm grew up as, and continue to be a Evangelical Christian. That's complicated enough.

e) I'm totally cool. I'm THE biggest nerd you'll probably ever meet. The Phantom of the Opera soundtrack is on heavy rotation on my iPod.

So if you read this blog and you see me you'll have a far better idea of who I am and what I represent. My hair is only an extension of my personality- not a description of my character. If you want to know more about me, ask questions- don't assume. The only thing I ask is that you don't touch my hair.

Breaking News: Robert Pattinson Stinks!

Apparently, the brooding heartthrob Robert Pattinson a.k.a. Edward Cullen of the Twilight motion picture, has an aversion to Lever 2000. Big surprise. He does have a certain Peppy LePew look to him. Some of his co-stars stated that he only bathes when he feels it's absolutely necessary. Um....... isn't bathing always necessary? At least that's what my mother always told me. "Cleanliness is next to Godliness", she used to say. Maybe Robert is an atheist...

American Idol: An Overview

Danny Gokey: I love Danny! He reminds me of the singers I grew up with in church. However, up until a few weeks ago, I thought he totally had this competition in the bag. He'll be in the top 5, but I don't think he'll win it.

Kris Allen: He was o.k. I'm not feeling his Frosh Week vibe, but he'll be safe because girls in training bras think he's a hottie.

Lil Rounds: What happened to my friend Lil? She was at the top of the pack in the beginning and then she started wearing those wigs and her talent disappeared. I'm worried that she'll be in the bottom three tomorrow.


Anoop Desai: The performance was great and just in time. Had he not performed well tonight he would have been eliminated.


Scott McIntyre: Scott is starting to remind me of a really bad version of Peter Cetera circa 1984. He was tolerable when he was around the piano, but when he picked up that darn Fisher-Price guitar, I left the room. Time to stop the sympathy vote and send Scott back to Arizona.

Allison Iraheta: I lurve Allison's and I think she's got one of the best and most marketable voices and images in the competition. I didn't understand what the judges were talking about when they criticized the fact that she didn't talk enough. She'll be safe tomorrow.


Matt Giraud: Anyone taking on The Great One a.k.a. Stevie Wonder has cajones. Mr. Giraud's rendition of Part-time Lover was the shiznit! Matt threw down tonight! If he gets put in the bottom three tomorrow (which I feel might happen because people are dumb) all Americans should be forced into detox.


Adam Lambert: Yep, Eddie Munster will win American Idol. Unless he loses his voice or commits a felony between now and the end of May. His performance was amazing... and that's saying a lot because I don't even like the guy!


BTW- Paula Abdul is permanently brain damaged.

Underrated Talent: Kim Burrell

Kim Burrell is probably my favourite vocalist of all time. Hands down. No question. The first time I heard her voice was about 14 years ago on a gospel album where she was a featured soloist. I was hooked right away and began my quest to find anything else with a recording of that voice. It pains me greatly to know that so few have ever heard of this virtuoso. It's also too bad that the fortunate few who have heard of Ms. Burrell are unaware of the breadth of her talent and skills as a musician. Kim Burrell is one of those rare musicians who are in a class of their own.

Kim Burrell was born in Houston, Texas to evangelical minister parents (Church of God in Christ). She sang and played the piano in church all her life and was finally signed to a small, independent record label in her hometown in the mid-nineties. Ms. Burrell’s signature sound is a mixture of gospel music and jazz. Her voice is immediately identifiable and what’s more, she composes most of her own music. Most of her fans are unaware that she plays the piano just as well as she sings- making her talent even more mind-blowing! Her most famous album is Everlasting Life and it’s nothing short of a masterpiece. I believe that it is one of the most complete and satisfying albums I have ever purchased.

Being that Kim Burrell is in the gospel music industry, it is difficult for her to be recognized in the mainstream and as a result, many of you may not be interested in hearing anything further, and that is a shame because the genre of music is beside the point. Kim Burrell is simply a genius muscian and should be appreciated regardless of the genre of music. She is sighted by many well respected secular musicians and vocalists as one of the top voices in the music industry today. Harry Connick Jr., Chaka Khan, Beyoncé Knowles, Faith Evans and Mariah Carey have all listed Kim Burrell as one of their top musical influences. In fact, I attended her concert last year in Toronto and was very surprised to see a well known Torontonian jazz musician in attendance. When I asked him what he was doing at a gospel concert he replied, “To hear Kim Burrell of course!”

Albums released to date:
Try Me Again, 1995
Everlasting Life, 1998
Live in Concert, 2001
No Ways Tired, 2009

My Favourite Songs: I’ll Keep Holding On, Over and Over Again, Kim’s Request, Prodigal Son, I Come to You More Than I Give, Since Jesus Came In, Calvary, Try Me Again, Victory

Just watch this video of Kim Burrell singing with Richard Smallwood and Vision. A vocal master class!:

Pet Peeve #2: People Who Boast About Being Drunk

It’s Monday morning and everyone is talking about how their weekend went. 'Saturday, I went shopping'. 'Sunday, I cleaned the house'. 'Friday night I went to a party'. Then you always have the one person who proclaims, 'OMG! I totally got smashed last night. I totally had, like, 6 Long Island Ice-T’s and blacked out!' Everyone laughs hysterically. I'm usually the one not in on the joke. About three years ago, I was hit by a drunk driver so my tolerance for humour inspired by alcohol is very low, but that's not why I'm writing this blog. Somewhere along the line a memo went out saying that it's supercool to brag about being drunk.

As you may have guessed, I am not a drinker- for both moral as well as practical reasons. I don’t like the taste of alcohol or the effect it has on people who abuse it. I'm also capable of loosening up and having fun without the proverbial sauce, so I suppose this might be why I'm not capable of understanding the joy of chemically inducing tomfoolery. That being said, there are people who do drink and do not abuse the chemical, so this blog entry has nothing to do with them. My problem is with the people who boast about becoming drunk. The ones who assume that barfing all over their friend's leather coach is incredibly hilarious. Or that they don't remember being coated in honey and left naked on your front porch. Yep, these are all stories that I've had to sit through and pretend were funny.

Why would anyone boast about being drunk? What glory is there in temporarily losing ones faculties? Boasting about drunkenness, to me, makes as about much sense as boasting about the loss of bladder control or amnesia. Not to mention that public drunkenness never has been, and never will be attractive. Especially if you're over the age of 25...

Overrated Talent: Jennifer Lopez

Jennifer Lopez is one of the most overrated entertainers on the planet. By far. Punto final. Her dancing is mediocre at best; her singing voice is atrocious, and she hasn't had a good film role since Out of Sight. Yes, ladies and gentlemen, Jennifer Lopez has been coasting on the success of her greatest asset. Her posterior.

Most of us became acquainted with Ms. Lopez's persistent mediocrity when she was a mere back-up dancer on the hit comedy show, In Living Color. When she realized she had exhausted her dancing talent she decided spread what little talent she had left into the film industry. I'll admit that she was pretty good as the slain Tejano singer, Selena. She was also half decent when she co-starred with George Clooney in Out of Sight. Sadly, her winning streak ended there. I haven't seen the woman in a decent movie since 1998.

Of course we cannot forget the J.Lo sound- I mean, even if we tried we wouldn't be able to. After the release of every blood-curdling recording we would all ask ourselves, when will she realize that she cannot sing? Well, I actually think she finally did realize that her vocal chops were lacking. She cut back on the warbling and decided to get into fashion. The horror! The horror!

Because Ms. Lopez is so tone deaf (both literally and figuratively) and self-absorbed, she decided- along with some other sadistic designer- that society couldn't get enough of her, so she created a clothing and fragrance line making it possible for everyone to look and even smell like her! The result? Some of the world's tackiest garb and stinkiest perfume; making even Britney Spears cringe. Yep, you now look and smell like the Bronx.

Many people will say that Jennifer Lopez is clearly talented because she is successful and popular, and that I'm being too harsh. But eating fried crickets with jasmine rice is popular in Thailand- does that make it right? Not necessarily. Talent is not forced or overdone. Jennifer Lopez, on the other hand, is forced and overdone. Talent should always speak for itself.

Obama, Berlusconi and Medvedev Take a “FreshMaker” Break

Oh great! The international economy is imploding and Obama, Prime Minister Berlusconi of Italy and Russian President Medvedev decide to go and film a Mentos commercial. President Hu is not feeling it.

Laureen Harper's Outfit Underwhelms at the G20

It appears that in addtion to Stephen Harper's stubborn refusal to spice up his look, he is also dictating his wife's wardrobe. Laureen Harper wore a boring "Conservative Party" navy blue suit to the G20 First Wives Dinner last night that I'm sure I saw on sale at the Bay three weeks ago. What a waste! She couldn't have gotten more than 5,000 HBC Reward points for it. Although, she could cash in those points for a totally rad Braun hand-held blender and really get her money's worth, but I digress....

I, and many others have often asked, where is our Obama?, but I think we all know by now that that's a lost cause, so the better question is, where is our Michelle? The US First Lady looked great and very stylish, as usual. It's at times like these that I begin to miss Mila Mulroney. Sure, her husband was a jerk and possibly even a felon, but her wardrobe was off the hook! I even find myself wishing Margaret Trudeau was still on the scene. Yeah, she definitely was and is insane in the membrane, but who cares? She had cute clothes and partied with Mick Jagger! She was a two for one combo!

Oh poor Laureen! How small and insignificant she must have felt amongst all that silk taffeta, colour and Swarovski crystal. Well, at least she's buying Canadian...

Large Amazonian Black Woman Molests Rich Old Lady and Causes International Incident

Michelle, Michelle, Michelle. You had to go and do it. You had to go and touch the Untouchable. You were already on thin ice with the whole sleeveless thing back home in the US which clearly demonstrated your propensity to 'flash' in public. Now, you've gone global with your deviant ways and molested the Queen of England. Oh Lord! What are we going to do with you, Michelle! Did you see the look on Her Majesty's face? She looked as if she had forgotten to wear her Depends! Just when we thought the US was beginning to normalize relations with its allies, you go and ruin it with such depraved behaviour. What's next, huh? Are you going to strip Vladmir Putin?

For more evidence of the latest offense in Michelle Obama's crime spree, take a look at this: